Monday, December 22, 2008

Ode to Donatella Versace

The way you hang your hair
The way you work your beat
Your aura fills the air
Men clamor at your teat

Gossamer strands of fantasy
Wield power to slay even the strongest he
But what does it mean to a gal like me?

Compare if I dare
But the odds are stacked
I can only conclude
Being brunette is whack

Oh the horror the horror it's so unfair
To a blonde clothes merely an accessory
But I don't despair
That my dark hair lain flat from a lonely night in bed
While their golden manes
An exquisite explosion on heir head

On moonlit sheets
flaxen strands sparkle in the dark
With barely a nod
To my muffled dark bark

Madonna, Shakespeare and Anita Loos
Pay homage in their art to the Golden Coos
Hitchcock's frigid blondes with their vulnerable core
Yet some finicky, demanding or angelic bore

Blonde was pivotal in my development
First kiss from blonde Mike was a condiment
First sex with blonde Randy a fabulous feast
It was a blonde world, I a brunette beast

Angst overwhelmed me for they didn't stay
It was blonde Paula and Mallory on Homecoming day

Blonde or brunette, which more famous will be?
On the internet blonde wins seven thousand four hundred and three

A failed Summer Blonde experience in the 9th grade
Now a visit to my colorist, a blonde I'd be made

Ignore that timer, I'm going for blonde
The point of the exercise is to swim in their pond

It doesn't look natural and I don't care
A variety of clues hopefully sooner than later lay bare
My secret shame I hesitate to reveal
When a man entice by blonde my clothes he doesth peel

My new fuck you confidence and attitude never fade
Being blonde is considered a sexual aid

Addicted to the bleach, someone please stop me
Friends and family think I'm out of my tree
Repeated bleachings, my myth out of control
My newest address - Mar Vista Bowl

Ladies, synthesize this fact: men blonde their own hair
Such an obvious glimpse into their psyche is rare
They know what works, having themselves felt the pull
Of the testosterone surge of a charging bull

Yet my search yielded more than just strands of gold
My real personality did begin to unfold
Bold statements and actions emerge from my heart
And before too long I was an A-#1 tart

A seminal truth magnetizes all men in the room
And lets blondes sweep them up like dust balls in a broom

But constant surveillance of my roots in the mirror
Morphed all my neurosis into one giant fear
Amids all this fun burst some common sense
Shockingly, I was now high maintenance

This can't go on, my studen loans beckon
Thinning hair, shrinking checkbook more than I could reckon
It's not the bleach! Fine, but let it be
I've got to return to how God made me

Blonde traits long desired as my hair fades to black
Still exist in the void painfully lack
I'm demure, bold, funny and sometimes all three
But the point is, I'm finally free

Living a myth is exhausting, blonde is a con
Like sex, some fantasies ought not be acted upon

Donatella, you had me fooled
Finally my blonde jets I have cooled
All we brunettes need is a good ad campaign
Being dark doesn't mean sipping champagne in vain

Do blondes have more fun? What a crock, step aside
And out of the way of the changing tide

My sisters, you fooled me or am I to blame
For truly believing that confidence and fame
Came from a bottle or my hairdresser's cart
But the truth sets us fre - blonde comes from the heart.

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